Playing the Hokey Pokey can get you Killed During a Fire Drill

It is four a.m. I have been asleep for roughly two hours. I can still smell and taste this really disgusting pizza we had a few hours earlier. Suddenly the fire alarm goes off throughout the entire building. I decided I was going to go back to sleep until a tiny voice in my head started shouting like a computer nerd during a power failure, “you’re an RA! Get the heck out there!” I kind of wish we had a costume we can wear underneath our clothing with the words RA in the middle like Superman’s. This way I can hurl myself out the window, land on my feet, and report for duty without breaking a sweat. Unfortunately I’m not that lucky. It’s four in the morning, and when it’s that early nothing wants to work, not even your brain. After tripping over my cable wire, I managed to grab whatever clothes I could find and put them on. As I went to the door I realized I live in Potsdam, and in this wonderful town of ours it is most likely freezing outside, even in the middle of April. So I stopped, took a deep breath, and grabbed my winter jacket as I went out the door. I had this feeling it would be a long one…

On my way down the stairs one of my residents pointed out there was some smoke drifting in from the 5th floor. I stopped, poked my head in, and then that little voice went off again, “Hey Jerk, since you got out of bed late, it is likely most of the people are outside, you should get your ass down there.” For once that little voice had some sound advice. Usually he is telling me to pick fights with small children in front of their parents. I made my way down the stairs, checked in with my fellow RAs, and went to work making sure no one ran back into the building while the fire department did their thing. This gave me some time to reflect on common occurrences I have experienced at different colleges during a fire alarm. I would like to share some advice to those of you who find yourself outside during a fire alarm:

1) Shut up.

Seriously. Shut up. And I don’t mean shut up if you’re talking to your friends or privately bitching about being outside. That’s ok with me. It’s cold and it’s early. No one wants to be outside, not even your Resident Assistants. But every time students have to go outside, there is always someone who has to be the center of attention. And that person must think they’re hip, cool, and original for being stupid. Shouting stuff like “Whoooo” or the ever popular “let’s rush the door, they can’t catch all of us” is just stupid. Go play Frisbee or something if you have that much energy so early in the morning. Of course, the worst example of this was at Alfred State during the semester’s first fire drill. Everyone filed out, the RAs did their thing and blocked the door until it was safe, and everyone was quiet. And then suddenly out of the great void one idiot decides to shout, “let’s play the hokey pokey!” I won’t lie, I was hoping someone would kill him. No one cares or wants to hear what idiotic things you have to yell during a fire drill. You know what they do want to hear? “It’s ok to go back inside.” Anything before that is just white noise. And I don’t mean the kind where the dead people speak to you.

2) Don’t rush the door.

“Let’s rush the door. They won’t be able to catch all of us” ranks up there with such great sayings as, “Adolph Hitler had some good ideas” and “Say, we should make another ‘Scary Movie.’” For starters, the odds are people know who you are and what you look like. So even if you rushed the doors and made it inside, the RAs will find out and you will be written up. Second, what is running inside going to accomplish? We’ve already established the only cool part of a fire alarm going off is when everyone can go back inside. Do you seriously crave attention that much? I’m pretty sure they made My Space for people like you. Get a profile and plop yourself down in front of it if you really need attention. No one will visit it, but at least you’ll think they do. The odds are once you’re inside you’ll find yourself running into either the village or town police, the university police or campus security, and/or the fire department. Either encounter will result in some heavy fines, which will zap your beer money, and result in possible judicial action. So now, not only have you made an ass out of yourself, pissed off the RAs, and guaranteed a steep fine against you, but now you may find yourself standing face to face with some angry police officers. Great idea, Skippy. Great idea.

3) Don’t stay in your room.

I’ll be the first to admit that during my time as a normal resident I have slept through a fire alarm or several. I never believed that the fire department would come in with the university police or RAs and check the room. Well, the truth is that not only are the rooms checked when the fire alarm goes off, but also you can be fined a lot if they catch you in your Captain Planet pajamas. I’ll skip right over the part where you might have a picture taken of you in said jammies and later find it all over the Internet faster than you can say “Star Wars kid.” As much as it sucks, and remember, I am not writing this to say getting up early in the morning or standing outside in the freezing cold doesn’t suck, you need to get out of the building when the alarm goes off. Think of it like this: how often during your time at college have you found a way to embarrass yourself in front of a large group of people? Plenty if you’re really honest with yourself (and if you said never, you’re wasting the best time of your life.) So let’s look at a trade off, do you want to embarrass yourself by going outside wearing Captain Planet pajamas or do you want to have an officer, fire marshal, or Resident Assistant find you in your jammies and issue you a huge fine for hanging out in your room. And let’s not mention the number of very pissed off people their might be outside who may find out you were nice and warm while they froze their asses off.

Finally, when you make it back into the building, hopefully in a calm and orderly fashion that doesn’t resemble a European football riot, don’t get on the elevator. Seriously. Don’t get near the elevator. Unless you’re in one of those massive dorms with 22 floors, just suck it up and take the stairs. Elevators and the rest of the building’s electrical system likes to mess with people after the alarm goes off, and people who use the elevator after a power outage or fire alarm may get stuck there. As someone who has been trapped in an elevator before can attest to, it blows harder than a hurricane through the Gulf Coast. If you are stuck in an elevator, try to use the emergency call button if available, or your cell phone if it works. The RA staff…well…the RAs who care about their residents. …will wait outside the elevator for you until help gets there. In the meantime, try not to fart or start any awkward conversations like, “I really dislike Hispanic people.” Otherwise it may be a while before you can get back to bed in one piece.