Self improvement: Turn Down the Rheostat

I woke up one morning with a terrible sore throat that got worse
as the day went on, instead of better, as I had hoped. By the
time I realized it was a true case of laryngitis, and all I
could do was croak, it was too late to cancel the Cub Scouts who
were due at my house right after school. I wondered how I would
manage when I could only whisper, and then I discovered the
miracle. Those squirming, busy, full-of-energy exuberant
8-year-olds hung on every word I said when it was whispered.

Instead of having the usual management problems I did when I
raised my voice with commands or laments, things went very
smoothly. My voice must’ve sounded very soothing to them. Also
they had to quiet down in order to hear me. After all, they
didn’t want to miss their brownies and milk!

It was a real lesson to me that my loud voice and strident tones
were the cause of more friction than I was aware of.

I also noticed at work when I had a cold and my ears were
stopped up that I had a better disposition. The loud and
strident tones of others weren’t affecting me the way they
usually did. The buzzing and clanking of machines, the shouts of
others, the ringing phones all were muffled and seemed far away.
I didn’t notice every little thing that went on and it was
easier to concentrate. Not that I’d want stopped-up ears all the
time, but what a gift upon occasion. It made for a much quieter
world, and this affected my disposition.

If you’re highly sensitive and experience internal as well as
external stress, or if you’re experiencing a lot of external
stress, you need to slow it down and, as they say, “stop the
madness”.

Put up a Plexiglas shield between you and the stimuli from the
outer world. Don’t hear as much, and don’t talk as loudly
yourself. In fact cut down on the amount of talking you do, as
well. Calm things down and you’ll calm yourself down. Manage the
external stimulation that’s coming your way, and you’ll feel
less stressed.

I was reminded of this when reading an email from someone on one
of the lists I belong to. She was talking about how her
perfectionism got in the way of her housecleaning, and that when
she started getting that way, she took off her eye glasses to do
her cleaning and then everything was fine.

It’s sometimes a relief to hear and see less, yes? And you can
also apply this to forgiveness, and what you remember. I have a
friend who’s well into her 80’s whose memory is a bit less than
it used to be, she tells me. She tells me, “I’m a much nicer
person now than I used to be. I no longer remember every single
thing someone tells me, every slight, every negative comment.
I’m much more forgiving.” I think she has a point.

One of the less mentioned benefits of developing your emotional
intelligence is that eventually you can modulate your emotions.
They don’t “come in” as strongly. You don’t experience them as
strongly. Therefore they’re easier to manage, like the cub
scouts no longer agitated by my loud tones who were therefore
better behaved.

You can also benefit by learning to turn down, your negative
self-talk. These are the things you’re always telling yourself
in your head that you may or may not be aware of, which actually
make things worse. These are the things that pop out of your
mouth when you miss an appointment, for instance, like, “Why am
I so stupid?” or “Can’t I ever get it right?” Pay attention to
how you talk to yourself. Make it positive and self-soothing.
The other doesn’t work. Get off your back and on your side!

Slow it all down. When you immediately react to what someone
says is when you are most likely to say something that will
either agitate the situation, harm you or the other, or that
you’ll regret having said later.

This is when we speak like the knee jerk reaction when the
doctor taps our knee with that rubber thing - as if it were
automatic, and we had no control over the words that come out of
our mouths, or the gestures and expressions we use, which can be
equally damaging. If someone has rolled their eyes at you in
disgust when you’ve made a suggestion or asked a pertinent
question, you know what I mean.

This is when we get that flash anger and say, “That’s it. I
quit,” or “Pack your bags and get out.” The take-home point is
to ‘get’ that you’ve been insulted or what not, but not to take
it so “hard” that you can’t deal with it in a way that’s
constructive and that won’t sabotage you.

Work with an emotional intelligence coach and learn how to slow
down your reactions to things. It will give you time to think
them through and this will almost always bring better results.

And try the thing about whispering next time you’re with a young
child. It works beautifully. In fact they’re kind of fascinated
by the whole thing. Which is to say, as we say in coaching, “try
one thing different.”

Antidepressants and Phototherapy

Antidepressants are used commonly in medical and psychiatric practice. As a class, antidepressants have in common their ability to treat major depressive illness. Most antidepressants are also effective in the treatment of panic disorder and other anxiety disorders. Some antidepressants effectively treat obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) and a variety of other conditions (see indications below).

The most commonly prescribed antidepressants are listed in Table 12-1. Antidepressants are subdivided into groups based on structure or prominent functional activity: selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRls), tricyclic antidepressants (TCAs), monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOls), and other antidepressant compounds with a variety of mechanisms of action. Antidepressants are typically thought to act on either the serotonin or norepinephrine systems, or both. Choice of medications typically depends on diagnosis, history of response (in patient or relative), and the side-effect profile of the medication. Antidepressant effects are typically not seen until 2 to 4 weeks into treatment. Side effects must be carefully monitored, especially for TCAs and MAOls.

Indications

Table 12-2 lists the indications for antidepressants.
The main indication for antidepressant medications is major depressive disorder as defined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th edition (DSM-IV). Antidepressants are used in the treatment of all subtypes of depression, including depressed phase of bipolar disorder, psychotic depression (in combination with an antipsychotic medication), atypical depression, and seasonal depression. Antidepressants also are indicated for the prevention of recurrent depressive episodes.

Antidepressant medications may be effective in the treatment of patients with dysthymic disorder, especially when there are clear neurovegetative signs or a history of response to antidepressants.

Panic disorder with or without agoraphobia has been shown to respond to SSRls, MAOls, TCAs, and high-potency benzodiazepines (alprazolam and clonazepam).

OCD has been shown to respond to the serotonin-selective tricyclic clomipramine (Anafranil) and to SSRIs at high doses (e.g., fluoxetine at 60-80mg/ day). Obsessions tend to be more responsive to pharmacotherapy than compulsions. Symptoms of OCD respond more slowly than symptoms of major depression. Trials of 12 weeks or more are needed before a medication can be ruled a failure for an OCD patient.

The binging and purging behavior of bulimia has been shown to respond to SSRls, TCAs, and MAOls in several open and controlled trials. Because SSRIs have the most benign side-effect profile of these medications, they are often the first-line psychopharmacologic treatment.

Mechanisms of Action

Antidepressants are thought to exert their effects at particular subsets of neuronal synapses throughout the brain. Their major interaction is with the monoamine neurotransmitter systems (dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin). Dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin are released throughout the brain by neurons that originate in the ventral brainstem, locus ceruleus and the raphe nuclei, respectively. These neurotransmitters interact with numerous receptor subtypes in the brain that are associated with the regulation of global state functions including appetite, mood states, arousal, vigilance, attention, and sensory processing.

SSRls act by binding to presynaptic serotonin reuptake proteins, thereby inhibiting reuptake and increasing the levels of serotonin in the synaptic cleft.

TCAs act by blocking presynaptic reuptake of both serotonin and norepinephrine. MAOls act by inhibiting the presynaptic enzyme (monoamine oxidase) that catabolizes norepinephrine, dopamine, and serotonin, thereby increasing the levels of these neurotransmitters presynaptically.

These immediate mechanisms of action are not sufficient to explain the delayed antidepressant effects (typically 2 to 4 weeks). Other unknown mechanisms must play a role in the successful psychopharmacologic treatment of depression.

Marcello Lanares, MD, PhD, is a program manager and adjunct associate professor at the University of Tel Aviv, Clinical and Experimental Medicine
For more information on depression and other mental health issues please visit out website http://www.health.am

The Tiger & the Tiger Within: Roy Horn and Montecore

Roy Horn and Siegfried Fishbacher have performed around 5,700
shows since they began at the Mirage in Las Vegas over ten years
ago. The signature of their magic show has been their white
tigers and lions.

Six shows a week, 44 weeks a year they worked with their big
cats on stage, and not once has there been an incident.

In fact, according to reports, Montecore nipped at Roy’s arm
earlier in the show before carrying him off stage and seriously
injuring him, without leaving any bite marks.

Which is more than I can say about Baby Kittee here at my own
house. I know all about Baby Kittee. She is, to quote William
Blake, “red in tooth and claw.” As I vacuum around the house, I
find wings, scales, tails and other remnants of her nature. Her
name was chosen by my granddaughter. It might as well have been
“Fluffy Killer.” Cats are always one generation away from feral;
they do not permanently domesticate, like the dog.

Now did you catch that 6 shows a week? According to Horn’s
surgeon, Dr. Derek Duke, “A contributing factor to [Roy’s]
current condition is his extraordinary will and strong physical
attributes. These are significant elements in his ability to
recover.” Indeed his “thumbs-up” signal to his partner has been
mentioned by reporters.

We are told that as he was carried away, he asked that the cat
not be put down. “Please don’t shoot the cat,” he said. “Save
the cat.”

It was Roy Horn’s 59th birthday (October 23, 2003) when he was
performing on stage with the 7-year-old, 600 pound Royal white
tiger, Montecore, that the cat injured him.

Reports from the shocked observers varied, but the consensus,
now that some time has passed, is that the tiger became
fascinated with a woman’s “big hair” in the audience, even to
the point of lying down on the job, at which point Roy bopped
him to get his attention.

Roy then endeavored to stay between the cat and the woman
(what’s with the “big hair”?) and it was at this point he fell,
stage hands rushed forward, and Montecore took action. According
to the head of the Mirage (Mr. Wynne), he didn’t “drag” Roy
offstage, nor did he “attack” or “grab” him.

Siegfried and other big cat experts agree that if Montecore had
meant to do the job, he would have shaken him to break his neck,
and, as Siegfried said, “There would be no Roy.”

Instead Wynn describes it as a gentle “carry,” like a mother cat
carrying her kitten off to safety. It is entirely possible
Montecore was heading back to his cage and taking what he cared
about with him.

In interviews, Roy talks continually of his bonding with his
cats. He is present at their birth, and keeps constant company
with them.

We know that bonding can occur between all mammals because of
the limbic brain we share in common. It is how we bond to our
own young, and to one another, as do dogs, cats, horses, and
other mammals.

Ironically, in my Emotional Intelligence courses (
http://www.susandunn.cc ), I use “the tiger within” to describe
those primitive-brain emotions or instincts that occur
automatically that have to do with fear, aggression and
self-preservation.

Psychologists call it the 3F reaction - fight, flight, or
canoodle. And that’s about the only decision reptiles, and lower
animals ever have to make. They learn rarely, if at all; they
react to their environment in terms of what it can do to them or
for them; and they don’t with each other or with their young -
in fact they’ll eat them.

We retain this brain. To this we evolved the limbic brain
(mammalian), what makes us care for our young, bond, be able to
empathize, communicate and play … and why when we look into
the eyes of one another, or another mammal, we see soul, we feel
a sentient being. It initiates mutual caring.

If that frog in the example were actually in the boiling water
calling out, would it tear at your heart the way a baby’s cry
does, or the wailing of your dog when you leave in the morning??

To this, we evolved the neocortex, the crowning glory of the
homo sapiens. Or is it? Magnificent as it may be, it has its
limitations. The lower brain will always rule, emotions will
always take precedence, because they’re necessary for survival.
When we experience fear - and in today’s world our fear can be
totally symbolic (your boss yelling at you) - we get “hijacked.”
We are “flooded” with emotion which is specifically designed to
shut down our “thinking” (our ability to reason) and we act,
i.e., we act without thinking.

We are constantly at risk of the tiger within us becoming
confused and primitive, like Montecore, and doing something we
would not ordinarily do.

Montecore has been performing for many years. Something went
awry, something was different, and he reverted to
self-preservation tactics, by all reports. In the fight or
flight, he decided not to attack anyone, but to get himself and
Roy to safety. If he attacked Roy, the same principle applies
and we will never really know.

Something emotional happened, and among mammals, emotions are
contagious. You know this if you’ve been in a newspaper office
the day they announced it was closing, or been around when
someone got chastised in public.

Was it something with Roy, the same thing that caused this
magnificent physical specimen to slip and fall? His birthday?
Wondering, as I do, why the fascination with the “big hair.”
(How many friends of mine have told me their cats love to lick
hair-sprayed hair… or did it look like “fur” to Montecore?) Was
he overly tired and less able to concentrate - having celebrated
his birthday, or being about to? Was he preoccupied with
thoughts of the Big 6-0 on the horizon?

When Roy fell, it was something Montecore had never seen happen
on stage before. If he was bonded with Roy, he may have feared
for Roy, who knows. But it was change - big change - that thing
that throws all of us. Then the stage hands rushed out, more
commotion … fear. One reverts. Bad things can happen. We can
hurt people we love. We can hurt ourselves.

Prey as we are to the tiger within, all we can do is be aware,
and to learn to manage. This is Emotional Intelligence. And
this, Roy understood about his beloved tiger. It wasn’t
Montecore’s “fault”…nor do we routinely “blame” animals, lacking
a neocortex as they do.

However, in regards to humans, we continue to battle this out in
the courts, and in our own hearts and minds. It is for sure we
never want that to be said about us. That “I didn’t mean to kill
her, I love her,” or “I don’t know what came over me,” or “That
wasn’t like me.”

We are as capable of as serious injury to others as Montecore
is, and when we disable our neocortex, we are left with the same
equipment Montecore has.

Our prayers are for all concerned, including the show’s workers,
described as “family,” who must also cope with possibly losing
their jobs, another EQ dilemma. Because we are humans, our
brains are often at odds with one another and we suffer
conflict, guilt and shame.

As one worker said in the news, it was awful to be worrying
about herself at that time, but she was a single mother and it
was her job. Let us say the means of preservation for herself
and her children. We must keep learning about our emotions. As
Childre and Martin say, “The emotional frontier is truly the
next frontier to conquer in human understanding. The opportunity
we face now … is to develop our emotional potential and
accelerate rather dramatically into a new state of being.”

Photo of Roy with baby white tiger:
http://www.siegfriedandroy.com/news/images/sprint_commercial.jpg

“Look for the magic that is around you in nature, flowers, and
all the animals that share this planet with us.” Roy Horn

The Sheep Syndrome

Man has this amazing ability to copy, to follow, to be led or he
has a driving wish to be exactly the same as those around him.
It is called the sheep syndrome. The next door neighbors have
just got a ten speed lawnmower ….. all the kids at school have
one……the dot.com bubble …………. fashionable/trendy ……….I want to
be the same ……..and so on down the trail!

An immense example of misplaced sheep syndrome is the current
British mind set of buying of property in another country.
Millions of middle-class and average people have given over
their life savings in return for a square piece of land with a
debatable construction sitting on it, in Spain, in Cyprus,
Florida, et al! Not only have they handed over all that they
have ever had but given it in return for something that lies a
thousand miles away and that once the excitement has worn off
will become a costly burden that is visited only twice a year,
if that! Yet, it is fashionable; it is the ’sensible’ thing to
do, to buy some property in rural Turkey, just like the
neighbors have bought. It is profitable to buy a three
bed-roomed house in Florida, because the brochure said we could
rent it back out when we don’t use it! The agent said that the
price is inclusive ………and so it goes on, each prospective buyer
convinced that it is a wise thing to do in life and nobody
saying otherwise because it is the trend, the sheep syndrome in
action!

Another large example of man following man was the YK2 period of
disaster prediction! Somebody casually observed that computer
clocks might not cope with the change over to the new millennium
because nobody had thought about it before, despite the fact
that it was only a couple of years away! So what happened was a
mad panic and had somebody said ‘boo’ in a rather large voice
stampedes would have occurred, cities would have evacuated
themselves and wars would have started. But what happened was
that rumors and counter rumors spread like wildfire, rivers of
possible scary scenarios ricocheted around the world and the
public became so infused with impending disaster they just
didn’t know which way to turn.

At least four years before the turn of the century the process
of panic indoctrination started and people rapidly became
suffused with fear. The US government set up a command center at
an initial cost of 50 million dollars to cope with the impending
crisis and throughout it all computer geeks and companies made
fortunes as they set up Y2K software companies and became solemn
experts on the subject! Billions of Dollars, Pounds, Dong, etc.
was spent on new equipment that had stickers plastered all over
them that read, “I am Y2K compliant”, and power station night
security guards lied without embarrassment to have their night
off starting on the 31st December!

Planes were going to fall out of the sky at midnight. Russian
missiles were going to arm themselves, to shoot across the
oceans and to land in the middle of Sunset Boulevard! And lights
would just switch off, water would stop coming out of the taps
and bank machines would never again issue another note simply
because the big hand could not quite get past the top of the
hour!

The end of the world is nigh.

When the actual turning point came, nothing astounding or
untoward happened! Planes did not collide in mid-air, nuclear
explosions from the local power station did not light up the
night skies and little aliens with green heads did not land to
take over the world! The only real tremors and aftershocks felt
were a direct result of the panic build-up of previous. Those
who had stockpiled food in their underground bunkers had year’s
worth of baked beans to work through; those who had stockpiled
goods suddenly found out that their life savings were now
invested in a worthless pile of batteries, torches and gas lamps
that nobody really wanted anymore. Banks had problems on Monday
morning as customers queued up to re-open closed accounts (money
withdrawn because banks vaults would never open again) and
portable bunker rental firms found it difficult to cope as their
goods were returned in quick order!

All the sheep should have felt very sheepish indeed but true to
form, and because everybody was in the same boat they just found
other sheep trails to follow.

The sheep syndrome is very much a deep rooted fear of being
different, of being the odd man out, to be an outcast of a
certain group whether it is social, work or family! This fear is
ingrained from birth, so deeply that for most the knowledge of
its existence is not known. For most people the eagerness to be
the same, to be an active and popular member of a group
overrides any thought as to why they really want this and thus
the fear is pushed and kept far away and dusty in the nether
regions of the mind. From the day that we are born the
conditioning starts. Parents give to their children what other
children of that age group have, for these children in turn to
want what those other children have and in time to give their
very own offspring what they feel that they should have. As
humans we tend to operate and guide ourselves through the maze
of life by copying, following and fitting in, our sole guide
being what is around us. We tend not to step outside of the
circle that we are in, we tend not to think alone or to act
differently because of that simple deep rooted fear of being
cast aside or ignored.

In some limited cases people are perceived by others to be
different. Neighbors may huddle and talk about the family that
lives at No29 because they just don’t fit in with the street as
a whole. But the family at No29 has another agenda to follow,
they forsake the ’street’ circle for another social or work
group to which they will fit in very well and will thus be
sheep, tied to that group for their ideologies and trends.

There is a debatable 1% of society that manages to be different
and for them life is not so easy. The man who decides that he
doesn’t want to drive a car, yet works as a car mechanic might
be viewed as weird by the rest of the world. He would also find
it totally impossible to find suitable employment in that field
even though he is the best mechanic available. He just doesn’t
conform. The pregnant mother who tells the hospital staff that
she doesn’t want a scan of her infant will be talked about in
hushed whispers by the nurses and doctors, treated at a distance
simply because she does not want that which is prescribed by an
establishment. But researching these acts of stand alone
behavior may at first glance seem worthy but deep down the sheep
syndrome will rear its ugly head. The mechanic who refuses to
drive might be an outcast amongst all other mechanics, with his
wife, neighbors, etc. but he will probably be a sheep of another
social group. He might be a member of the local cycling club, a
member of Greenpeace or the anti-car society! The pregnant
mother who refuses the scan may not be so alone after all as
back home is a mother and family that fully supports her
decision.

True individualism is hard if not impossible to find. At first
glance little acts of transgression do surface especially
amongst those who can afford to be different, who have the power
or position to ward off the sneers and snide remarks that are
synonymous with stand-alone behavior. Pop stars, actors and
politicians. The singer who first smashed his guitar on stage
did something unusual, yet he left that stage and snorted drugs
and abused groupies just like the rest of his social group does.
The actress who first bared her breasts on screen stepped
outside of acceptable moral behavior, yet afterwards she
returned to her mansion and the party that she was hosting. The
conservative politician that dared to suggest that he liked to
buy organic food went home to his three-up two-down detached
house where his wife and 2.3 kids awaited his return.

Individualism takes courage even if it is only a minute
transgression away from that which is deemed acceptable. But
what is notable about the 1% of society who transgresses briefly
is that their small wayward behavior breeds in time to become
fully acceptable behavior. That one daring escapade on stage
with the guitar produced a horde of musicians queuing up at the
local shop to buy spare guitars and the actress who bared her
breasts soon found out that every other actress was romping
naked and that she had been left behind. Oh, and that politician
that had mentioned organic food soon found himself at the back
of a very large queue at the local organic greengrocers.

The true individual who does something that is far-and-away
outside of the normal, that is not a copycat of any social or
work group and that is unknown or just plain different finds
life very hard indeed. Words are bandied around like hermit or
recluse. Prodigal sons and black sheep flit around followed by
scowls and hushed words and the more different these people are
the harder they find it to exist. Generally everybody has to
follow or be part of a social group just to be able to survive
even if at the very least the group’s main existence is to be
different. Simply by joining the “be different group” its
members are conforming simply through agreeing to be different.

The only real individuals who are totally and independently
different are those who are dead or live in isolation wards at
the local mental hospital.

More on Difficult Discussions at Work: Planning Your Approach

There’s a lot to think about when you need to initiate a difficult interaction — the kind of discussion that is required when a colleague is taking credit for your ideas, is not delivering on their part or is just plain making you look bad.

Before proceeding you might want to check out my article on helping to “get your head in the right place,” which is a process to help you get to a place where you can compassionately express your concern and remain open to the other person’s side of it.

Once you’ve gotten yourself in the right frame of mind, it’s time to plan the actual discussion. For the purposes of this exercise, we’ll call the colleague that we’ll be interacting with, Jackie. Keep in mind that the goals for this process include: a) learning more about Jackie’s perspective (even if you don’t like it), b) approaching her in a way that is respectful of you both, and c) for the troubling behavior to stop.

1. Request time and attention.

Rather than just drop by and ask Jackie, “Can I talk to you?” it can help to first to ask her for 15-20 minutes of her time. This way she knows you want to have a substantive conversation and you know Jackie is willing to invest the time in this conversation. If she says yes, but seems rushed or preoccupied, ask if there is a better time, and nail down a time/day for an appointment. If Jackie says that this time is fine, you can reflect to her that she seems preoccupied, and that you’ll just make an appointment. You can make choices here. Even if she insists that you stay, you can defer the conversation at any time, if you are feeling you do not have her attention. You deserve it.

2. Come from curiosity and humility.

The interaction I just described in tip #1 can escalate quickly if you come across as demanding, accusatory, condescending or defensive. It is important to balance your right to express your concern, and respect that Jackie perhaps has a valid point of view too. If you want to increase the chances the relationship will be preserved, you will want to approach the reconciliation process in a way that does not create more tension.

3. Express your positive intention.

Tell Jackie why you are there, and give her a reason to want to be there too. For instance,

“Jackie, there something that has been happening between us that has been bothering me. I value working with you and want to continue to make that work. So, I didn’t want to draw any conclusions about what I’ve experienced, without talking to you.”

4. Describe the troubling behavior specifically.

“Jackie, I notice that after I agree to a particular task at a project meeting, you ask me the next day if I’ve gotten started on it.”

It’s important to use neutral, not loaded, language, so the interaction isn’t intensified unnecessarily. Describe facts, not opinions or interpretations at this point.

5. Check your assumption.

This is the time to offer your interpretation. At the same time you want to give Jackie room to offer an explanation and/or save face. This step might go like this.

“It’s happened more than once and I’m left feeling like I’ve done something that makes you think I can’t be counted on to follow-through. I don’t want to assume that though. I thought I should check it out with you. Can you tell me about this?”

6. Listen.

This is important… stop speaking for a few moments. Endure some awkward silence if you really want to hear an answer. You may hear just about anything, such as,

a. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

b. “I’m so sorry I’ve left you feeling that way. I guess I’m just feeling under the gun given this is a high-visibility project.”

c. “You’re right. I do feel like I have to keep after you to get things done.”

Here’s where tip #7 comes in handy.

7. Own what is yours, no more, no less.

Reminder - be curious and humble!!

(Below are potential responses to guide you, which correspond with Jackie’s responses above.)

a. “I’m glad that you consider me someone you can count on then. Is there some other reason you check with me regularly?”

b. “I appreciate you sharing that with me. What can I do to relieve some of your concern?”

c. “What is it that I do that makes you feel that way?”

More for item c. Listen. If necessary, follow with, “Is there a specific experience that brought you to that conclusion?” Listen more. Then if appropriate, “What can I do from now on to remedy that?”

You don’t have to get her to admit that she is micromanaging. Consider instead what you are learning from the exchange.

8. Use a backup plan if necessary.

If the discussion just continues down the path of Jackie’s responses 6a or 6c, without producing anything helpful, you can always wrap it up with something like this.

“Our relationship is important to me, and I needed you to know I was feeling this way. I would rather share this with you than keep it from you, to increase our chances of working together better. Thank you for your time.”

Though not completely satisfying, at least you more clearly know what you can expect from Jackie. And, don’t give up all hope. I have found that even when someone like Jackie will not acknowledge anything is amiss, that she will stop the behavior, particularly if I check in with her occasionally over time, regarding the same concern.

9. Make plans to move forward.

If it IS a fruitful interchange, suggest how you can go forward. Possibilities include:

Ask her what she would like you to do differently from now on.

Offer what you are willing to do.

Express what you would like her to do.

Only agree to what you really are willing to do.

Don’t be afraid to offer a counter-proposal.

Tell Jackie you need time to think about a particular request, if necessary.

Plan to regroup together at a later time.

10. Solidify agreement and offer thanks.

Be sure to summarize. This may include articulating:

Agreement on how to go forward, including what actions each of you will take as a result of this discussion.

Agreement to not let an issue exist between you for so long next time.

Your appreciation for the other person’s honesty, willingness to be open, and time.

If you feel Jackie is just “going along” with you to avoid what might be an uncomfortable exchange for her, and she does not follow through with her agreements, you can always follow up with tip #8 eventually.

Though these comments may feel awkward or sound silly at first, remember that it takes time to change your behavior. Practice your response - in front of a mirror, with a friend or even into a tape recorder - until the words, and the feelings behind them, seem natural to you. The point is to be able to approach the situation in a way that is mostly likely going to result in a mutually agreeable resolution, without allowing the other person’s potentially resistant responses to derail you. We can all use practice doing that!

Copyright 2002-2006, Mary C. Schaefer, all rights reserved.

Mary Schaefer is President and Lead Consultant for Artemis Path, LLC. She holds a Master’s in Human Resources Management and is certified as an HR Professional (PHR). Mary’s 20 years of experience in industry, most recently as an HR manager, allows her to effectively coach you as a supervisor, small business owner or employee, on how to get along better at work! You can find more information about how Mary can help you at http://www.artemispath.com

While you are there, check out how the expanded, 14-page eworkbook version of the Ten Ways to Survive Your Current Job can help you!!

Precious Memories: Remembering Loved Ones After They’ve Gone

Luke 22:14
When the hour came, Jesus took his place at the table, and the apostles with him. Then he took a loaf of bread, and when he had given thanks, he broke it and gave it to them, saying, “This is my body, which is given for you. Do this in remembrance of me.”

“In a High Spiritual Season,” Joan Chittister:
“One of the most poignant of our community customs is the Celebration of Memories ceremony. The night before a sister is buried the community gathers at her coffin to remember together the moments of her life that taught us all something about life. The simple ritual turns death into life at the very moment we feel its loss most. It is a model, this finding life in loss, for dealing with death of all kinds.”

Long before the movie “Pay It Forward” came out, my father used to help people in need, not asking for anything in return other than that they return the favor by helping someone else in need when they were able. He said that would be all the thanks or pay back he would need. Growing up we saw him fill gas tanks for stranded travelers while we were on vacation, help change a tire on a busy highway, and send money anonymously to a friend who’d lost a job. We weren’t wealthy by any stretch of the imagination. In fact we were on a pretty tight budget while I was growing up. But if my parents could help someone they would, and they encouraged us to do the same, a practice their children remember and practice in our own lives.

When I began to worry about the pitfalls of financing my own adulthood, I would often call my father and moan about the latest monetary catastrophe in our lives: a car needing an expensive repair, our house needing a roof, the furnace needing replaced. We usually had the money, in savings, but I was hesitant to use it, in case something else really big came along. I can’t tell you what I thought that might be — I’ve always had an “emergency” savings account, but I am loath to use it, even for an emergency, because then there won’t be any emergency savings. And Dad would calm me down by telling me two things. The first was, “It’s only money.” And the other was, “You can’t take it with you.”

That is just the tip of the iceberg of things I remember about my dad, experiences that continue to impact my life on a daily basis in spite of his absence. In the four years since his death, my family has practiced what Joan Chittister talks about, remembering together moments of a loved one’s life that taught us all something about life and living, as a way of finding life in loss, and dealing with death.

Memories are what sustain us; they keep our loved ones alive for us long after their bodies have given out. Ultimately we are remembered in death for the way we live our lives. We are remembered fondly, even honored, if it is generally believed that we lived to the best of our abilities, and if, for the most part, we loved more than we didn’t, accepted more than we judged, and gave more than we took. For in the ways we give to and participate in the world around us, we live on in spirit, even after our physical bodies are gone.

Jesus is the ultimate example of this. He lived on so powerfully in the memories of his followers that they continued to experience his presence, even after his death, which is what all of the stories of appearances after his resurrection are about. And now, over two thousand years later, he is still experienced intimately by people of faith around the world. The most powerful image of that is in the breaking of the bread and sharing of the cup, which Jesus is said to have invited his followers to do in his memory and honor.

Of course there are other, less divinely inspired characters who also live on after they die. My father is obviously an example of this in my own life, as his spirit lives on through us, in our memories of him, and through the impact he had on our lives and the lives of others. We still tell stories about him almost every day, remembering things he said or did, his music, the way he made us laugh. And as time has passed those memories have become less bittersweet and all the more meaningful and powerful. Although his physical presence is gone from us, his spirit truly lives on and continues to impact us in a variety of ways. And I suspect for many of you reading this, there is someone who has died who had a similar impact on your life, even after they have passed from this mortal plain.

How You Can Become a Winning Personality Using Mind Mapping

We all wish to be famous and be liked by one and all. This is a
natural and inborn trait in all of us. However, our habitual way
of thinking is, by far, the biggest stumbling block to our
progress. An overwhelming reason for being the kind of
personality that we are, invariably leads to lack of self-esteem
and self-confidence. We do have books by the legions, detailing
you on how you could become a powerful and pleasing personality.

But we need to go beyond ‘Do’s and Don’ts that these books
strongly advocate, by first understanding ourselves. This is
indeed, the starting point for making any desirable change in
us. We need to be aware of our true self, to bring in changes in
our behavior and thinking. Mere listing of certain right and
wrong set of behaviors to adopt or eliminate, cannot by
themselves help in changing our self. To gain a deeper
understanding of the ‘inner’ you and then working towards those
areas for improving and strengthening will render meaning to
your change process.

Helping you in such a voyage of self-discovery will be the
indispensable Mind Mapping tool. Using Mind Map, you can make an
inward journey into your inner self and analyze the largely
uncovered self. We can first turn the attention on to our self
by first analyzing our self-image: What do we think about
ourselves? Is that how others perceive us? Which are the areas
where you think there is a clear disconnect between image and
perception? Why do people see you the way they do? What are your
problem areas? Which are the areas where you excel?

Such a clear SWOT analysis in terms of emotional, physical,
psychological and social parameters will provide a comprehensive
layout of your core self. You can then explore the reasons
behind particular thought or behavior to find out the reasons
and causes for such behavior and attitude in us. By looking
inward in an honest and objective manner, we will be able to
uncover the unknown ’self’ in us.

In such self-analytical process, Mind Maps can be your ideal
tool. You can draw an image of your self or just print boldly
your name at the center of a long and blank page, and form main
headings of the different dimensions of a human being -
physical, mental, emotional, social, moral, religious, and so
on. Taking each of these main heads, you can make a SWOT
analysis in each of the major areas of our life. When you have
explored each aspect in such a comprehensive manner, we will be
able to see the connection between your behavior and action. You
will be able to tie up the emotional reasons for displaying a
particular weak behavior. Also, you will find that your strength
in a specific area arises from your deep belief and commitment.
In this manner, you can relate the cause and effect of every
sphere of our life.

Based on your findings, you can then work out your likely main
objectives under each area and the required set of actions.
Exploring at length in this manner will provide the right
directions to pursue, align those areas for strengthening,
counteract a negative with a positive attitude and generally
lend a deeper meaning and significance for being the person that
you are right now.

Mind Map hence is an easy and powerful tool for understanding
your true self and bringing in the right changes in those needed
areas. By working on every aspect of your personality in a
desired direction, you can work your way to becoming a winning
personality. In this process, Mind Maps can serve as a mirror to
help project the real ‘you’ and shape you into building the kind
of winning personality you desire.

Windows of the Soul

People engaged in kissing experience information and energy
transfer, although we usually do it for the ‘buzz’ and don’t get
into the science or mystique of it. A judgement is made and
processed by the Thalami and brain. The Thalami like the Pineal
gland are able to amplify all energy inputs and route them to
the appropriate place in the brain. Science is now on the verge
of seeing what the Third Eye of the ancients knew. To help set
the stage for the proper evaluation of information and events
that will doubtless fall on many unbelieving minds at times; let
me quote Herbert Spencer for you on this point.

“There is a principle which is a bar against all information,
which is proof against all arguments and which cannot fail to
keep a man in everlasting ignorance – that principle is contempt
prior to investigation.”

The Thalami are also in charge of the endocrine system and a
vital center for the immune system. It is through this psychic
organ that healing and the soul operate the greatest magic of
life on earth and potentiate the divine potential of each and
every human as well as many other lifeforms. All people are
psychic and have a responsibility to play a part of God’s plan
or purpose to harmonize and create. Hopefully when you kiss your
sister the hormones won’t be allowed to function because of a
tabu or blockage. Generally speaking the more alike you are
genetically as well as in your brain wavelength ‘fingerprint’
the more affinity and real communication will happen. This
research covers many modern disciplines but the most apparent
truth is available in the University of Minnesota Twins study.

There are few people today who aren’t living in the sociological
denial of the materialistic society brought about since the
Industrial Revolution. Thus many people will not be able to read
this book. Others will allow their interior open-mindedness and
belief in ESP or the secret knowledge of their own actual
experience to carry them some way towards accepting the
‘possibility’; of what they will read about an alchemist (or
three).

Included in the make up of planetary systems are entity and
event horizons that vary from planet to planet and throughout
the universe. These things are clear in the Chaos Theory and
astrophysics that has gained momentum since the Hubbell (also
spelt Hubble) Telescope took a picture of the center of the
‘known’ universe in 1999. Superstring Theory and alternate
universes or worm holes and affinity channels some call
Stargates join the list of the amazing things we must now
consider.

The worlds of science are merged with the magic of the past
adepts beyond the writings of Nobel Laureates in physics you may
have found exciting in your youth, as I did. Wigner, Schrödinger
and his cat, Heisenberg ‘Observed’, and Capra has ‘Tao-ed’ a lot
about the Mandukya Upanishads and S-Matrix math being linked
with the I Ching (Tao te Ching). Soon science will know ‘The
Way’ (Tao) made possible by the ‘white light’. NEC labs in
Princeton, New Jersey produced 300X the speed of light in the
summer of 2000, inside a cesium chamber. This was the missing
ontological proof required to make evidence of the necessary
level required in science for the existence of ‘psi phenomena’.

Beyond the wildest imaginations of quantum teleporting
(Scientific American April 2000 Cover story) and the Big Bang,
is the connection true ‘love’ brings. Thank you, Buddy Holly!
John Lennon has ‘Imagine’-d a new mantra for the quantum global
village and a post-Modern Age that allows people the leisure
time to contemplate what pre-Industrial Age Society already
knew. When factories needed people to work long hours at
machines they instituted education for all people, so that ‘time
clocks’ could be punched and productivity could be measured. The
prior travesties of the Inquisitions and Dark Ages were relaxed
in order to enable a greater control over the minds of people.
“The past and the future can be changed.”

>From the Mahabharata to the Iliad we see the hand of higher
beings that played god with mere mortals wrapped in their
egoistic emphasis on the dross physical senses that greedily
take so much energy away from soulful pursuits. Just because
time appears linear does not make it any truer than the
appearance the eyes of an owl recognizes when it sees in
dimensions of energy our more limited eyes cannot capture.
Perhaps an even more relevant acquisition technology in the
animal kingdom has to do with how insects and birds find their
way back to a specific territory or ‘home’. Neils Bohr said
something like this: - ‘A great truth has an opposite which is
also true. A trivial truth has an opposite which is false.’

Ninety-five per cent of all the energy in the universe is made
up of Dark Energy or Dark Matter. This is a scientific fact
recently discovered but not considered in the everyday working
world of most academic disciplines. I think there is a good
chance that long before Diocles in the second century BCE there
were people on earth who understood the harmonic of light a lot
better than any until the present day. It is also interesting to
see that Arcadia is where the Benjaminites are taken by their
Phoenician/Merovingian friends after they are thrown out of
Israel. In the second to third century BCE it is also where a
Greek named Diocles is working with light and the Harmonic
thereof to cause something that today we know can create or be
useful if Atomic Fusion. Arcadia is an important clue in Grail
research that leads to Nova Scotia and the enigmatic message
system in paintings by the likes of Poussin and Teniers.

Lao-Tzu went to the west of his native China as he approached
his death; in order to meet the Ancient Adept Masters who we
believe are those Red-Heads of the Tarim Basin/Taklamakan
Desert/Altaic Mountains near the greatest recent Empire’s Khan -
Temujin’s homeland or birthplace. You can see photos of these
6′6″ giants with their witch’s hats in Discovery, National
Geographic or The Mummies of Urumchi. The reason they had a
pyramidal witch’s hat was to focus cosmic energy to their pineal
glands.

Lao-Tzu is one of history’s greatest philosophers and religious
personages. He knew these adepts had power to affect the Trojan
War and all people on earth by means never written because the
Verbal Tradition was aware of the dangers of interpreters with
partial knowledge and fewer ethical constructs. Today these same
hats are called ‘dunce caps’ as teachers teach the prejudices of
ego and power-mongering proselytes and politicians.

Forty other books I’ve done include the reference and
archaeologic proof or science that confirms these grossly
general statements or personal anecdotes. These books I have
written in the last few years have added a great deal to my
certainty that man is not able to fully understand the meaning
behind the Mayan saying - ‘Do not put your Self, in front of
YOUR self! - It means an entirely different thing when stated
thusly - ‘Do NOT put yourself, in front of your SELF!’ There are
many other ways to play with the emphasis and come up with more
insights on the collective soul versus the personality and ego.
The Mayans are likely right about the end of this human
civilization in 2012 as we see ‘terrorism’ defined by one side
as evil and the other as ‘The Great Satan’. Hopefully the coming
civilization will include human beings and not just nanobots
with human brain contents dumped into them.

Everybody Hurts

Love and life are funny things that often bewilder us, creating feelings within our body that are not really caused by any physical injury. Take heartbreak for example. Heartbreak is not a pain caused by a physical injury to the heart. The pain we feel is an emotionally generated pain, triggered in part by our mind based upon an experience. And what about that chemistry that jazzed the both of you when you met? Then wonder, “what more?”

Just as suddenly as the juices got jazzed you find yourself running, laughing, playing, and enjoying a budding relationship. You can’t believe you could be so lucky! You think about this miracle that came into your life throughout each day. You feel the energy in your body inspiring your life. You feel so alive! You know all of this though and realize you have to get through each day, keeping balance and perspective so you don’t neglect other areas of your life. Too bad about that really, it would be great to just walk off into the sunset and not have to worry about the realities of life for awhile. “Give us some time” I’d say, knowing that in time we’ll both come back to the planet looking to explore other avenues of our lives. Let’s get back to reality though.

Now, I can only speak for myself and others like me. I don’t fall in love to just walk away. Yet, too often, that is what we are required to do. As compatible as a relationship might feel or seem, timing could be everything. Someone’s distortion could have their values out of whack. Knowing the inner-qualities of each other, you could have even been certain that you’d never be dropped for material reasons. This love, this woman, or this man, is deeper than that. It’s there, in all the journals, in every conversation, in the eyes, and the vision for the future. Then life shows up and serves some humble pie.

Bad things happen to good people all the time. Someone is struck ill with a serious illness and before long the retirement savings are gone. The recovery can take months or even years, if at all - for some. The physical toll can be too great for some people to handle. The emotional stamina required to endure the trials may be to costly to another. The financial strain may threaten a required sense of security for others. For the person it is all happening to, it can have profound and life-changing impact.

Deep loss is experienced as an old identity passes away and a new identity comes into being. Death and birth, experiences equally bound in both pleasure and pain. Not just a physical death, a psychological death. Not just a physical birth, a metaphysical birth. Some people end up lost in the bottom of a bottle while others stab out the misery with a needle; both scenarios leading to more misery and death. These are just examples, the scenarios are limitless. Some recover, some don’t. Death isn’t the only thing that can kill you.

In spite of what we see on the streets and played out in the drama of each others’ lives, miracles still happen all the time. These miracles happen even through the loss and in spite of loss. Someone may truly be gone forever and yet, someone else is saved as a result. An illness could miraculously disappear, leaving no trace of ever having been there. Financial ruin could bring two closer together, empowering and strengthening beyond what each could do individually. Important changes in society could come about as lives are radically changed through tribulation.

Too often judgment is heard spilling from lips of those who don’t know or are arrogant. If you’ve ever fallen, why would you laugh at another who has fallen? You remember what it was like. You understand the pain and even the embarrassment you felt. You remember the judgment others threw in your face. Everybody hurts, sometimes. Judgment, ridicule, laughter, and self-righteousness are uncomfortable disguises of your own frailty. Bad things happen to good people all the time. It could happen to you. This is uncomfortable to admit. It recognizes your powerlessness to control every aspect of living your physical life on earth. You only control your response, reaction, your attitude.

As for the hurt that comes with the human experience, the shift in perspective can view the emotional pain as a good thing. The ache in the heart chakra is a blessing of your aliveness. It affirms your divine capacity to love another being. The ache that comes with the turmoil of disappointments affirms your love of self. The ache that comes with betrayal in society affirms your connection and love to your fellow beings. You are a divine creature living in a physical world. Lifting the veil, seeing your own inner-spirit, you will experience and observe and learn to be with the aching emotions. Make that your challenge - to ‘be with’ the pain and witness it as a good experience. Shift your perspective to see that your spiritual being is embracing each experience and will rise above each experience.

This brings me full-circle, right back to heartbreak. Don’t run away from love. Don’t run away from loving another. Run away from fear. Run away from doubt. There is power in love and it is the only thing that you have in life that cannot be taken away. Health: Who knows when, if, what, or why, but you could be hit. Money: That balance sheet is all over the place and depends a lot on other circumstances that may be beyond your control. And what will you give up for that? Too many look for the bling without really seeing the stars. If you’re wondering where to look, try deep into the eyes of another.

Lee Down is a professionally trained Spiritual Life Coach committed to the development of the human spirit. His vocation and business, One Man Can Human Capital Development has evolved from human resources, to career and life coaching until the inspired writing, also available on his site, paved a new path into the realms of Spirit. Discover power, passion, and purpose. Enjoy abundance, love and fulfillment.

Debunking Psychics

Have you ever been curious about your future? Have you ever called a phone psychic to get some answers?

If you wonder how “psychics” work, read on. This article is for you.

Most “psychics” are plain scammers. They use cold reading to make calculated guess about the sitters. Cold reading is an interactive psychological technique which extracts information from a person through verbal and non verbal cues. More often than not, psychics utilize known psychology techniques that can apply to almost anyone. An example would be claiming the sitter is cursed and he or she could lift that curse for a fee, because most people visit a psychic when they are down and depressed, “being cursed” is a quick, convenient reason to blame. Paying the fee to lift the curse would be the quickest solution to their complicated life problems.

There seems to be several common factors in psychic readings. The psychic usually:

+Skillfully extracts information from non verbal cues such as breathing patterns, voice, dress, skin color, and body language.

+ Makes statements that seem to give information when they are actually out to fish for it. E.g. Prompts feedback from sitters by saying “I see a man in uniform, why would that be?”

+Feeds back to the subject what the latter wants to hear

+Makes general “Barnum statements” such as “You are worrisome on the outside but insecure on the inside.”

The sitter of the reading is the key to a ’successful’ reading. The sitter’s willingness to connect vague ‘clues’ came up by the psychic will often decide how successful the reading is. Many sitters who try to contact their deceased loved ones are very motivated in the first place, and will take the psychic’s message as a sign that he or she have made contact with the other side. That is why psychics subtly encourage cooperation before and during the reading. Once the psychic gains the trusts of the sitter, the latter usually actively supply information and clarifications.

Although facial expressions and body languages could mean differently to people from different cultural backgrounds, many psychologists believe that certain facial and body expressions are universal to the mankind.

How to tell dominance: People who dominates have a tenancy to stand up with an erected body, speaks slowly and rarely, and look people in their eyes for an extended period of time. Because of the demonstrated link between testosterone and aggression, people with square jaws ( testosterone induced feature) are thought as more domineering and aggressive.

How to tell submissiveness: Submissive people touches themselves a lot when they are confronted with a difficult situation. This is because human have an inborn mechanism acquired very early on in life to link physical touching with comfort and safety.

Most important to keep in mind: Real, powerful psychics don’t advertise on the back of a supermarket magazine and do readings for $1.99.

Jamie Kepcher is the Self Discovery Editor at alittlebreak.com, a home, garden and self help community.